Home > Autism Speaks U > The Mean Things People Say

The Mean Things People Say

This guest post is by Autism Speaks staffer Kerry Magro. Kerry, an adult who has autism, is a rising senior at Seton Hall University, majoring in Sports Management. He started the club Student Disability Awareness on campus to help spread awareness and raise funds for those affected by autism. Autism Speaks U is a program designed for college students who host awareness, advocacy and fundraising events, while supporting their local autism communities.

In the past, I’ve blogged about my own experiences and then tips to overall help individuals on the spectrum. For this post, however, I am looking for your thoughts and tips on a subject that I’m not sure there is a clear cut answer to.

Here’s the scenario: quite recently, I was with a group of friends hanging out when a mutual friend who was under the influence of alcohol started to become belligerent. He was clearly upset about something and decided to storm off. After several of our friends were trying to calm him down and make him come back to the group he called me out for being autistic in a negative connotation; like being autistic is a bad thing. He said, “Shut up Kerry, You’re autistic!” For some reason this remark just bounced off me, but after that experience I haven’t forgiven this individual or shared the story of what happened with anyone else.

It’s difficult sometimes to understand why people can be so mean. A few weeks before that situation, I was on my way to an event with a peer when I called, “shotgun” so I could sit in the front side passenger seat. My peer replied, “Sure, Kerry has that DSS hook-up right there.” In context DSS means Disability Support Services at the college I attend and this was in reference to getting accommodations for being registered as a DSS student. So I guess the question I have for those reading is…

“When did you first feel comfortable addressing comments either positive or negative people make about you or a loved one on the spectrum?”

I know this may seem like a very broad question but in my experience as an individual on the spectrum I’ve always had a tough time communicating the issue to others, especially when I was younger. Now at the age of 23 I have spoken at several events about the issue and can go up to anyone and speak my piece in a non-threatening way to make those aware of what’s right from wrong. The first time I can remember ever speaking up for myself was when I was 13. One of my classmates and I were having a conversation about disabilities and I mentioned that I was autistic. Almost instantly he said, “No you’re not, you can talk!”  I came back and said, “It’s different for different individuals” and then went for the rest of the class period almost discussing things such as high functioning/low functioning autism, the signs, the causes, etc.

At the end of the day, I know that I’ll fight in most scenarios to make individuals aware not only for myself but so other individuals don’t have to deal with similar cases. As a community here at Autism Speaks, I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Please leave your comments below. Thank you.

  1. misty mott
    April 25, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Its hard when someone does talk about your loved one that has autism. My 7 yr old has autism and seizures and when someone talks about her I get mad and upset and I think she shouldnt be like this but i’ve learned to deal with it and help her in any way I can

  2. April 25, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    My brother and I learned to speak up very young: our sister, the middle child, has low functioning Autism combined with tuberous sclerosis, she has no way of communicating with us as she is non-verbal and non-signing. We rode the disabilities bus with her to school everyday, and a lot of the kids we went to school with didn’t understand her condition, and also made fun of my brother and I for riding the “short bus”. I think anyone living with Autism or living with a family member with Autism develops a thick skin early in life.

  3. Jenny Murray
    April 25, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Like you, I would not have bothered with the drunk guy at that time, but if it was a relationship I valued I would bring it up.

    Like a lot of Aspies I know of, I have spent the majority of my adult life in therapy and get a lot of mileage out of “that was a hurtful thing to say” or “when you say abc I feel xyz.”

    Interestingly, I used to be way in my shell and never really try to talk to people, and as such never heard any negative comments. Therapy and medication as given me the desire to come out of my shell as well as the mechanisms to deal with it out here.

  4. Gloria
    April 25, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    It’s amazing how often I have been told I should not take my 6 year old son who has autism out to stores, events and etc. I have now gotten to the point that I smile and tell the person that I believe that rude, ignorant people should not be allowed out in public but they are. I always do it with a sweet smile and usually they are left speechless.

    • M Garcia
      April 25, 2011 at 4:32 pm

      When my son was very young we were out shopping one day. As we stood in line there was an elderly couple in front of us. Our boy was happily singing and laughing to himself and the elderly lady turned around and said “Some people don’t know how to raise their children.” So I turned to her and said, with a big smile, “and your mother was one of them! You’re RUDE! The child, on the other hand, is disabled!” Her husband looked at her and said “serves you right!” and started laughing. She huffed her way out of the store. I felt badly afterwards, but pre-judging a situation and being so vocal about it…I just couldn’t let her get away with it. Of course, ten years later I’ve learned to hold my tongue and just wish them a happy, healthy family…

      • sgreene
        April 28, 2011 at 1:10 am

        Nice!!! My daughter is 4 with asd. I always hold my tongue when i get the crazy looks and the rude remarks. This is the perfact comback.

    • Tamra
      April 25, 2011 at 7:05 pm

      Gloria, I love this response! I have a 5 year old daughter and have come close to saying something to rude people before, but I never had the right line to use. This one is perfect. Thanks for sharing it. Best wishes for your family. :)

      • April 26, 2011 at 10:06 am

        I love this response! When my family encountered similar situations, usually people just blatantly staring at my sister we would look them right in the eye and ask “do you have a question?”. It usually sparked a conversation or they took the hint.

    • Erin Kuhlman
      April 26, 2011 at 10:40 am

      Awesome comeback. Being Irish, I have a “wee bit o’ temper.” As a result, I had cards printed that say almost exactly what you have shared. When some idiot makes a rude comment about my precious Jeannie expressing herself in public the only way she is able, I grab one and stick it…in his or her hand. Sadly, I guess there will always be ignorant, heartless people that Jean and so many others like her will have to face.

    • Katrena Lee
      April 27, 2011 at 2:39 am

      Hmmmm those people that tell you you should not take your son out to stores need to be given the option to do your errands and shopping for you and to deliver the items to your home for free so you won’t have to….seems to me having an autistic 8 year old myself it would be EASIER for us to just stay home and not have to deal with the meltdowns and the stares and the ugly comments if those people would run those errands for us….as for events how does a child learn HOW to behave in certain situations unless they are EXPOSED to those situations repeatedly???

  5. BSS
    April 25, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    This is difficult. My son is autistic, he’s 11. When people make insensitive comments it makes me want to scream! I’ve completely lost my patience with mean, rude, uninformed people. I’m 49 and sometimes I’m at a loss for dealing with these situations. When it’s a child/teen, it’s alot easier to handle because I approach it as an opportunity to educate the person. When it’s an adult, many times I need to just walk away.

  6. April 25, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Dear Kerry,
    Oh boy… the stories that I can tell you about the remarks that my son, Nelson III and my family have gotten. Everything from “He should be in a ‘home’”, to “Kids like him don’t need to be here. (that was at a local McDonalds!)
    The main instance that sticks out the most for me was when my family and I went to the lake at a local state park. We went there early (around 10:30 a.m.) because we knew there weren’t going to be a lot of people there. (Once again, arranging OUR time around the thought of how people would react to our son.) Our son has been diagnosed with Classic Autism. He does not maintain eye contact, non-verbal {except a few words when HE wants to.}. He also gets “FLAPPY WHEN HE IS HAPPY!” and likes to jump, bounce EVERYWHERE!!! We had been at the beach for about an hour, when a mother and her two pre-teen children come down. My son and his sister (who has Aspergers) where playing in the marked off area for smaller children. It was CLEARLY marked off and the water was only calf high on my, then 5yr son). This woman’s 2 children proceed to start splashing and making a lot of noise in this marked off area. I asked the mother, as politely as I could think to, to have her children move out of the “kiddie” area. She immediatley spouts off, “oh, didn’t realize this was YOUR beach.” I said, “Of course, it isn’t my beach, but I do believe your children are a little too big to be rough housing in the kiddie pool.” At this point my son started getting upset. He let out a BIG SCREECH when the son of this woman knocked him down. I stood up and told the lady, “My son has a severe form of Autism, would you PLEASE have your children play somewhere else!!! He doesn’t like to be splash and doesn’t like a lot of noise…. PLEASE, move your children.” She looked at me, then my son and said “Well….. children like HIM should not be brought to a public area!!!! My children have the right to play anywhere!!!” So, we decided to move a little further down the beach… at this point the woman starts screaming, to her children…. “Don’t let the RETARDS or the RETARDED children anywhere near you!!!” My husband, seeing that I was about to slap this woman, suggested that we leave…. which threw my son into a further tantrum. We headed back to our car and when we got there, this woman had called the cops and the Forest Ranger!!!!!!!!!! My husband talked to the cop while I talked to the Forest Ranger, explaining to him that water is a form of therapy for my son, I told him that we come and pay our $3 no less than 4 times a week!!!! So, the cop and ranger talked…… I wasn’t nervous about us getting into trouble, it was just the hassle part of it!!! It wasn’t the first time we had to deal with cops and our son but…. So, the cop came over and shook our hands told us “Listen, you’ve enough to deal with without ignorant people making it harder! My nephew is Autistic and you 2 are angels for raising him!!!!” He told the woman, “Next time you call the cops for this kind of B.S. you will be arrested!!! Next time, be a little more considerate and move your children…..” The Forest Ranger came over and handed me a slip of paper. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “you and your family are welcome here any time you want.” Let’s just say we do not have to pay for ANY of the state parks in Georgia!!!! Though, we still donate a few bucks whenever we can!!! A negative turned into a positive…. but I now tend to either laugh or walk away when someone starts talking negatively. I don’t mind questions but…… God made him like he is for a reason….. and no matter, I LOVE HIM and would do ANYTHING for him!!!!

    • Erin Kuhlman
      April 26, 2011 at 10:46 am

      I hope I am forgiven for writing this, but you still should have slapped her. Actually, you should have slugged her! She obviously needs to look up the defintion of the word “retarded.”

      • Katrena Lee
        April 27, 2011 at 2:46 am

        unfortunately it probably wouldn’t matter if the snot read EVERY definition of the word retarded….most of our kids and I believe the son in this home are nonverbal and since most of the truly ignorant and rude people in this world assume that retarded means slow brained and not speaking equals the same thing in their brain therefore nonverbal means retarded to her because she will never take the time to look and see how quite possibly brilliant this child is…..it’s aggravating but very true

  7. Elizabeth
    April 25, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    When my 8 yr old son was first diagnosed we stripped away all the negative people. But that’s not so easy on day like yesterday for example, Easter, we were invited to a relative’s house where there was alot of people who were not family. The boys were playing playstation and my son loving Star Wars saw it was a Star Wars game and said “Cool game! Its the best game i’ve never seen.” of course he meant “ever” but he says never. So a little boy starts saying “What! you’re saying it wrong. and he kept saying the correct way and the way my son said it over and over. My son just focused on the game and it hurts me to see that :( I just don’t want my son to hurt. I asked my son if he heard the little boy and he said “Yes Mom but i don’t care” and he shrugs his shoulders. I’m trying to instill alot of confidence in my son so stuff like this doesnt bother him.

  8. riki shiffler
    April 25, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    as the mother of a son with high functioning asperger’s, i’ve always spoken my mind when someone has said something negative about my son.i try to not be rude, although, sometimes… i’ve always taught my son that having asperger’s helps explain why he reacts the way he does, but it is never an excuse for bad behavior. he’s 14 now, and with the help of some great mobile therapists, he’s starting to find his way. sometimes, the statements people make when they think they’re being positive are the most hurtful.

    • Daniel
      April 25, 2011 at 7:47 pm

      I personally have aspergers and frankly wouldn’t have as hard of a time with it if I didn’t also have a slight muscle defect causing me slur my S’s, because of that people assume my aspergers causes the speech impediment, I’ve actually had people talk slowly at me as though I was unable to comprehend what they were saying, not only is it highly offensive but it makes me feel as though my instinctive feeling that I really shouldn’t talk to people isn’t really that far from correct. I’m 15 and overall I think I’m doing okay, usually people like me fairly well after they are somewhat educated about autism but first encounters with people can really suck sometimes.

    • Shari Berger
      April 27, 2011 at 7:32 pm

      As another mother of a transition aged son challenged by aspergers disorder, I look back at my experiences with people as he grew up. Brady (my son)seemed to be able to shine a light on the souls of those we have loved knowing and those we wished we had never met. Some hard times have been at extended family gatherings. My father’s girlfriend, my father as well as siblings and my brother’s mother in law (all in their 80′s) have taken several opportunities to suggest that I should place Brady in “a home”. While we wholeheartedly support the good work of group homes, Brady is not at that level of care. Imagine that? He’s attending college, pays rent, drives, and is the kindest person I know. Unfortunately, Brady has always been in a place to overhear these unkind remarks and we end up leaving many family holidays early due to this type of insensitivity. Brady forgives them of their ignorance while I simmer. It is a lonely path in life to live without the support of family.

  9. Amy
    April 25, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    My 10 year old was diagnosed later then most. I decided to talk with him about it immediately. At his school this month, they Lit it Up Blue and had an Autism Awareness Day. He told one of his classmates that he has autism and the child said, “No you don’t” He told him that he does, that he is proud of it because it make him different and unique and that being “normal” is just plain boring! I hope he keeps this attitude as he get older! I welcome questions because it is my chance to help make change in how people view autism!

  10. M
    April 25, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    It’s hard to not get a little defensive about it. My husband and 2 year old are both on the spectrum. We’re very open about their diagnoses but I find myself frequently in a position of feeling like I need to defend my son’s diagnosis from comments like “He doesn’t look autistic” to “oh, lots of kids do that; it has nothing to do with autism” to “he doesn’t have autism because he can talk.” I speak up each time and try to educate, but it gets frustrating, especially around family who seem bent on not accepting it.

  11. Catherine M.
    April 25, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Hello Kerry,

    This is a wonderful, and important topic to be discussed, and brought to light. My nephew, Isaah (age six), deals with high-functioning autism, and Asperger’s syndrome. He is beautiful and bright, and speaks about his interests like a nine-year-old would. I just know that he is going to succeed in this world, but he does face challenges at school, especially when the other kids make fun of him. He does speak for himself, as you did when you were 13, but children need to have an adult to speak up for them when it’s needed. So, to answer your question: I personally discovered my comfort range of speaking out on behalf of a loved one on the spectrum was broadened when I realized how selfishly ignorant people can be. I, as Isaah’s auntie, am proud to be one of his many advocates. They say, “It takes a village to raise a child”. Well, that village must be knowledgeable, understanding, and most of all, accepting of the child’s needs before they can begin to raise him/her. It’s our duty to speak up for the sidelined and/or marginalized. =o)

    ~The proud aunt of an Aspie (age 17)

  12. Jessica
    April 25, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    I was diagnosed with Asperger at 33.
    And some people tell me: ” You look
    well.” and treat me like I’m
    lying. Another person told me
    that Asperger is ”an excuse to
    to not work.”

  13. April 25, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    I think the hardest part in such a moment is the realization of, not what was just said to you, but what may have been said that you haven’t heard before this. It makes these small, petty statements so much larger and more difficult to manage, harder even than addressing hundreds of strangers.

    I have a friend, a mother of a child on the spectrum and a school nurse, who has a magical demeanor. I’m trying to learn from her. She seems to have an answer, and it is this: Take a breath, smile and them offer them the sort understanding they don’t know how to achieve themselves. And with your smile and your kindness, protect yourself from falling into that dark place in their heart that you have just glimpsed.

    So, given your example, I might try to use my friend as a model, or I might just borrow from a classic comeback by Winston Churchill and replied to your friend who said, “You’re autistic,” with “…and you, my friend, are a drunk, but tomorrow I will have twice as many functioning brain cells and absolutely no regrets about social inappropriateness.”

  14. dodie pettipas
    April 25, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    My 11 yr old is PDD-NOS. She appears “normal” to the average person, until she drops to the floor and starts “melting”. Then people say things like “that child just needs a good spanking”. Very irritating. If spanking would change the way she responds to her environment in a positive way I would be all for it. Spanking isn’t going to make her NOT AUTISTIC. It isn’t going to take away her sensory issues, which is the number one reason she has meltdowns. They usually occur at the end of the day after spending all day at school trying to maintain good behavior.

    When I tell them she is autistic, I usually get strange looks or they say things like “She can’t be autistic, she can talk”. DUH!!!! I do my best to explain, but a lot of people just don’t want to be bothered with hearing an explanation. They seem to want to make a hasty judgment and that is final.

    The worst thing is, I have a hearing impairment and my daughter has supersonic hearing. If I can hear the comments these people make, you know she is hearing it also. I worry about how much she internalizes their comments. I try to talk to her about it, but she doesn’t want to talk about it.

    • M Garcia
      April 25, 2011 at 4:27 pm

      I once had a lady tell me “I don’t care if he’s artistic! I don’t care if he’s Jackson Pollock or Leonardo Da Vinci…he needs to learn some manners!” That’s when I figured that trying to explain what autism is was a total waste of time! :D

  15. M Garcia
    April 25, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    We’ve had several incidents when we feel the need to answer to a comment from someone else. I think possibly the worst moments are when a child, in the presence of a parent, says something insensitive and doesn’t get corrected by the parent in question. We’ve heard “mommy, that big boy is weird-looking” and “hey, why does that boy act like a baby?” and the parents do nothing at all to use the moment in a positive way. Even worse is when grown-ups stare rudely…my usual response is “look, sweetie, a person who has never seen a disabled individual!” It’s tough…even before I had a disabled child, I tried to teach my firstborn that one is sensitive to others, that staring is rude.

    It is not at all unusual for people to assume that we get government help just because we have a disabled child. I often have to explain that not every disabled child gets money from the government. Some people will go so far as to ask if we get “special deductions” on our taxes or if we get housing discounts. I try to explain that, even though we are not particularly well-off financially, there are families with disabled children who are in a more difficult financial situation and that we are doing well, thank you.

    Perhaps the most difficult thing is trying to get people to understand that my son is autistic, but he understands everything that is said around him; also, that he has hypersensitive hearing and speaking to him more loudly will not help him understand better, it will just make him more uncomfortable.

    When a person crosses the line between “ignorant” and “insensitive” we say something. It doesn’t always work out in the way we hope it will, but that’s their loss.

  16. M. Irwin
    April 25, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    As the father of a Autistic child, there are times when my patience is severly tried. My son who is 7 yrs. is a high functioning individual who is autistic. I want to share a story that happend to my son amist all of the challenges he faces on a daily basis that brought tears of happiness to my eyes. It was when he was in kindergarten, one of the other teachers had to go home sich. Her class was divided amoung the other classes, at one point during the day the teacher was having the children stand and answer questions about the story she was reading. After my son had been called on and give his answer, the children who were not normally in his clsaa started to make fun of the way he talked, st wich time three quarters of his normal class got up and stood around my son and told those who were making fun of him to stop it, that that was not nice, a fight nearly broke out. The teacher had to stand between the two groups to stop it. She explained that fighting does not accomplish anything and I agree, she also praised the children normally in her class for standing up for one of thier own, even though he was different. As the saying goes “from the mouths of babes”. In all of the trying times there are those times, that will always at times lighten the load that we and our children who are “different” carry. Every day that I wake up and see my son it automatically becomes a special day to me.

  17. Angela H.
    April 25, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Kerry, I’m so glad you’ve brought this up as a topic. I have a son who has Asperger’s and this year (6th grade) has been especially difficult for him. One of his classmates told my son that he wished my son had never been born. Naturally, Jared was upset by this comment. It’s the same as saying, “I wish you were dead.” I explained to my son that someone (probably a parent) has said that to this young man at one time or another. I tried to appeal to my son’s natural compassion to get him to think about how much a person has to be hurting inside to say mean things like that.

    I think most of the people on this forum will agree with me when I say that we live in a society that doesn’t have much tolerance for anything that is unique or outside the norm. We also live in a society of self-absorbed people who are too busy thinking of themselves to think of the potential impacts of their behavior on others.

    When someone is drunk, they’re no longer in control of their tongue. It’s the alcohol talking. I’ll bet this individual doesn’t even remember what he said to you, nor does he understand that it hurt you. Instead of harboring ill feelings toward him, I would approach him and in the kindest manner possible, explain exactly what happened from your perspective. He probably doesn’t even remember the exchange. Tell him that it hurt your feelings to be called out in such a manner, that your condition is private, personal, and something you must cope with every day. Do the same with the person who made the snide comment about the DSS services.

    I find that most neurotypical people are socially inept when it comes to discussing autism. On the contrary, I find that most people on the spectrum are very comfortable with who they are and are happy to explain how they see the world if other people would only listen.

    All the best to you, Kerry!

  18. Meghan
    April 25, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    My “niece” is on the spectrum, and it frustrates me when I hear ignorant and insensitive remarks.

    I (unfortunately) don’t spend much time with her, but her struggles with her disability and her older and younger (non-spectrum, loud and enthusiastic) brothers never cease to amaze me. I thought my life was challenging – I have been insulin-dependent diabetic since for nearly 25 years.

    Not that it will be any sort of consolation, but every disorder has to deal with the “idiot brigade” that we undoubtedly run into on a regular basis. I’m overweight due to other autoimmune conditions affecting my joints, and I’m told on frequently by the unknowing that I “made myself” a diabetic…. All we can do is realize that they live small, pathetic little lives, and we’re better off not being like them.

  19. Karen
    April 25, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    One particular incident is fresh in my mind. We were at the city’s Easter Egg hunt in line to see the Easter Bunny. I knew that I would have to help my autistic, VI 4 year old acclimate to the bunny so that I could snap a picture or two, but I was not prepared for the insensitive comment made by the dad behind me: “She’s four and she still drinks out of a bottle?!” Luckily my mom was there and scathingly informed him that “She is also blind and autistic, and we would give anything in this world to get her to do the things that “normal” kids do.” The wife looked at her husband and said something to the effect of “Nice going, jerk.” All I heard was the entire crowd behind me cheering my four year old on after that. Education is key and it is amazing how people’s attitudes change after a little information.

  20. April 25, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    Yesterday, my high-functioning Autistic/Epileptic daughter was thrown into screams after her cousin mockingly asked, “Can’t you speak?!” He began mimicing her tone and passionate attempt at speech. The child, with Autism himself is already forgiven; yet, the laughter of my family was particularly crude. I think of Autistic children as little Einsteins–perhaps more aligned with a non-verbal form of knowledge that we “normal” folks are blind to? Well, I admire all parents’ comments of non-violent energy give-backs and tearful stories of inspiration: I heard Buddha would ignore the foolish ones. So be it.:)

    • April 27, 2011 at 6:57 pm

      My sister mocks my voice all the time still, and we’re adults.

  21. Andrews Mom
    April 25, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    It depends on so many things. My son 16 living with PDD-NOS, ADHD, & Anxiety. By all first impression/outward appearances he appears typical. Then he tucks his feet up underneath him when he sits in the chair, which looks rather odd for a 6’5″, 240 lbs young man. He has a lumbering odd gait when he walks and he is slightly hunched over. He still play with his DS. He interacts well with children but not his peers and has difficulties with adults. So generally little kids like him because he wants to play. Teens who know him are very good to him, but those who do not know him generally come around pretty quickly. In that circumstance, I will explain to them that because of autism he has difficulty catching on to their banter. There have been times when his big sister steps in and sets things straight. I am usually less tolerant with adults. I have heard the “all he needs is a good whipping” and “if he really wanted to he would…” “if he would just apply himself…” and my all time favorite “you should do something about that…” REALLY!

    I also appreciate – greatly – the unsolicited, if it were my child advice. If it were really that easy, don’t you think I would have done it by now? If it was the first thing you thought of, don’t you think I would have thought it too?

    When people dole out their nuggets of wisdom, if it was done with true compassion and concern, I will politely thank them and say yes, we have tried that. If it is a fellow parent with a child on the spectrum – I will gladly drill them to see if they do have something I haven’t tried. But if it is that jerk parent who thankfully for the child’s sake, does not a clue as to what it like to have a disabled child, I will usually put them in their place. I have done this in front my son. He needs to know that I will stick up for him and that there is nothing wrong with him there is something wrong with people who act that way.

    As for your situations, don’t call out the drunk – that could lead to a physical altercation because of his state of mind. But call him out on it later. The other one – it depends on the type of relationship you have. I know that typical men are really mean to one another and that is just the dynamic of “male bonding”. They will tease eachother unmercifully. If he is not a close friend or if that is not the type of dynamic in your group of friends, call him out on it.

    Whatever you decide, just remember, they are the way they are, because no one loved them as much as someone has loved you. At least, that is what I tell my baby. : )

  22. Diana
    April 25, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    If you weren’t autistic, he would made fun of you for something else. Some people are just a-holes like that. Water off your back, like a duck!

  23. April 25, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    I have two children on the spectrum. I just wanted to thank everyone who posted their comments here. Thanks for helping me not to feel so alone in this journey.

  24. Emily King
    April 25, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    I know how it feels when all they talk about is you being on the spectrum instead of who you are beyond that. Your friends and family members should accept you for who you are and keep the reasons for their own understanding and not an issue. It is frustrating when ignorance and denial are the real issues not autism in of it self. Autism is not an excuse as it seems your friend is making it out to be; we as ASD individuals have to live with it every day and we cannot “fix” ourselves no matter how much we want to be neurotypical or our friends want us to be. First we need to understand ourselves and in doing so we can help others understand us.

  25. Noreen
    April 25, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Never battle with a drunk, not worth your time :o) That person you are speaking of needs to be forgiven but be careful that he sounds like a “label” type. Though my child has ASD and my husband does too, I just see it as more challenging. I’ve always been the “pull people out of their comfort zones” so it doesn’t bother me that I do it full time haha I do it constantly with myself too because I learn more through experience. Anyhow, I’ve had mostly the elders be mean (trying to be “corrective” of my son, like “look, he’s flat out ignoring me” haha good for him haha) or “he seems to be in a world of his own” (me thinking lucky for him because then you wouldn’t exist haha) with the elders I cut them more slack (though they seem to be the BIGGEST offenders), they older and have less patience. My son is young, vibrant and gorgeous and if he offends them, well I try to teach them but sometimes they just don’t “get it” and so be it, they are older and I cut them some slack. One lady though tried to grab my son because he was going to jump off the bottom step of the stairwell. Luckily, I was there to interfere with her plan. I do NOT tolerate other people touching my child. She went to yell at him not to jump off the step, I could see it in her face (I on the other hand was so proud that he was going to do it because he didn’t know really how to jump haha and the OT had been trying to get him to jump off the last step). He was getting it right!!! and it was generalizing out yipppee! Double victory for us because I got in her way and said, “Excuse me, my son has Autism and he doesn’t understand why you’re mad” and walked away very happy that I interfered! Another time a boy his age yelled at him, “You’re Crazy” because my son at the time had very little words and wanted to play with him so he went to hold his hand (they do this at school with other kids they like). This one, I waited out but I was the one who was very emotional with this, my son just took it as, “I don’t want to be touched” which was good. Next thing I know, the boy took a few minutes and it seems that my son’s body language (very few words) seem to be interpreted. The boy suddenly seemed interested in being around my son and started following him and sort of interacting with him. Sometimes you just have to let it be and it works it’s way out. Don’t take things personally. Forgive people, yes, we all have our ignorant moments. Pick and chose your battles. Most people, as one aspie said earlier, blurt out things in the heat of the moment or for no other reason then they are a sore loser or having a bad day. If they are being too aggressive, it’s good to talk to someone and then have some people around, when you talk to them. Don’t do it alone. Sometimes, people just don’t like you and those people you just avoid. Stick with the people who accept and love you!

  26. Stacey
    April 25, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    Well I am a Proud Mother of a Beautiful 3 year old little Girl that is Autistic. She is my World. I have an older Brother that is Autistic also. Growing up with my Brother I would just tell people that He was Autistic and kind of explain to people what that was but I was younger and didnt even fully understsnd it myself. I always hated when people would stare at His like He was an alien. I always wanted to say something to people but I was shy growing up.
    Now that I have my Daughter and She is Autistic and I am learing first hand what this is all about. I have only told people that I trust that She is Autistic. It is not because I am ashamed of Her. It is because it is a CRUEL world out there and I’m not sure how I would handle it if someone was to make a rude comment in reguards to Her being Autistic. I havent had to face that yet but I’m sure it will be something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. It kills me to even think of my Beautiful Little Girl having hatefuly words said to Her or if She is bullied or anything like that. I have no idea what I would do. I wish people could be MORE loving of EVERYONE.

  27. Beth Shelley
    April 25, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    I am a 35 year old mother of 4 children. 7yr old boy J with pdd, 4yr old boy T non-verbal autism, and 2 typical girls. I was with my daughter and son (J) at our horse back riding lessons the other day and another mother mentioned how being a clueless blonde was a gift. She was speaking of my daughter because she has no fear and just jumps on without any questions and rides away. My son (J) on the other hand has sooooo many questions and concerns. You can just see his brain just working away. Point being, I see good in both children and their differences make them who they are. I love both of them the same and am proud of them for their strengths. I have found in my own life experiences that people say things sometimes with no intent to hurt another, they just either don’t know better or don’t realize what they have said would hurt someone. There are a few very unhappy people in the world that try to hurt others feelings but it just makes me feel appreciative that I don’t feel that unhappy. It took me many years to come to these simple explanations and I always have them in mind so I don’t get my feelings hurt. You are who you are for a reason you just have to figure that reason out and em brass your differences. Peace

    • Noreen
      April 26, 2011 at 11:11 am

      Love that! I try to keep my belt at my ankles so people aren’t hitting below the belt much haha

  28. Berti
    April 25, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    My son is 6 years old, he was diagnosed with M R (mild retardation) when he was 2 years old. Recently my son was also diagnosed with Autism. My son only says A few words, He screams most of the majority of times. The type of scream that sounds like torture. I am use to hearing his screams, my oldest son who is 11 is use to it also.

    We Love attending Church, and at A church that I’ve been a memeber of even before I had children has escorted my youngest son and I to the basement of A church because he was too loud. We’ve been told at another church that we had visited to leave out while the congregation prays so that they will not be interrupted. The church that we attend now, A few of the congreagation looks at us like we should not even be there. I stop going, and it is so hurtful because I want my children to believe that all people are not judgemental. In church of all places shouldn’t judge anyon. I am not putting down my Church but It is so painful that people do not understand about Our Children,or Our Family or Friends that have Autism or other disabilites. I know that we are suppose to turn the other cheek, but sometimes you want to hit those that stare and have negative comments in their cheek.

    Some People are so insensitive to other people feelings. I pray about my sons condition every day and about others who have to go through what ever they are going through. I pray that he will one day be able to speak and say A full sentence. I pray that no one will hurt him or abuse him,I pray for him to eat with a spoon or a fork, I pray for him to eat because he does not eat food like he should.
    I pray for the inhuman treatment that some people say or do towards our loved ones. I pray for those people that do not know what Autism, M R, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome,Disabiliy,and Special need is. Those people need to educate themselves.
    I Thank you Jerry for allowing yourself to express how you feel and also allowing us parents,family members,siblings, and friends to express how we feel.

    Children or adults with special needs are More Loving and compassionate people that I have ever seen in my life. My son hugs,kisses, laughs,gets upset when he see someone cry in person or on television, wants his group hugs every day and will even touch a stranger on their hand that he doesn’t even know. I would rather be in A World full of their sencerity and devotion, then with People that are Ignorant and Hateful.

    He was also diagnosed at an early age with borderline deafness, tosus of the eye, and he has walked on his tippy toes for the past 5 years. I’m A single mother raising two little children, and allowing them to know that We have to Love one another and respect each other especially people that you meet. I have to continuously explain to people the condition of what my son is going through. When we go to the Mall, to A resturant, to the movies, on the bus, in any type of puplic facility.

    My son is looked at and eyes are all on us, I just take the attention like we are SUPER STARS and we are the center of attention. We are so important that people have to look at us and Just wish that they were us. I have learned over the years to just roll with the punches, and to ignore negetive,ignorant, insensitive, and idiotic people. I just Say to them now: God Bless You, and you too shall be Judge and not by Me.

    • J P
      January 11, 2012 at 9:28 am

      I have 2 children with disabilities. One with cerebral palsy and one with autism and tourette syndrome. My daughter was made to climb 100 year old stairs at church to get to her Sinday school lesson. I asked for her class to be moved downstairs because it was so difficult to get her up and down those stairs! She uses forearm crutches and we would have to have someone beside her and behind her on the way up the stairs and someone beside her and below her on the way back down to make sure she didn’t fall. The pastor refused to move the class. I would like to point out that this church broke the law by not making her room accessable! Later, the pastor’s able bodied grandchild needed to go to that particular class….and the pastor moved the class downstairs citing that it was too dangerous for his five year old grandaughter to climb the stairs!!!!!! I know what you are talking about here. Christians can be just as heartlessand mean as the rest of the world. A heart of compassion puts themselves inthe other person’s shoes, is polite, kind, and accomodating. That is what concerns me about your post. Because we have disabled children doesn’t mean we have to be accomodated in every situation even if it means takingother people’s rights away. It is the right ofthe entire congregation to hear the sermon without a distracting child. Like the rest of the congregation, we should remove our children when they make noise. People are provided with special rooms for noisy children. They have speakers so that you can still hear the sermon. It is unreasonable to expect other people to miss out on the sermon because of our children. If we want respect and sensativity….we need to have that for others as well. The church that asked you to step out during the prayer sounds more accomodating than most. I have seen disabled people plow through grocery stores withtheir motorized carts demanding everyone in their path to move immediately! As able bodied people we wouldn’t do that! Why should they? Can’t they be patient like the rest of us who have to wait in line? How hard is it to go to a private room in church when your child is disruptive? The rest of us do. Why shouldn’t you? Having a disability should have certain accomodations, but not at the expense of taking something away from everybody else. Moving my daughters classroom would have been accomodating her special needs without taking away anything from someone else. But what you are asking is that everone else give up the right to hear a sermon that is the very purpose for them being there…..so that your feelings don’t get hurt. Having two children with disabilities I could write about true offenses we have endured….but we also try to think of how others around us would feel.

  29. Berti
    April 26, 2011 at 12:01 am

    Berti :
    My son is 6 years old, he was diagnosed with M R (mild retardation) when he was 2 years old. Recently my son was also diagnosed with Autism. My son only says A few words, He screams most of the majority of times. The type of scream that sounds like torture. I am use to hearing his screams, my oldest son who is 11 is use to it also.
    We Love attending Church, and at A church that I’ve been a memeber of even before I had children has escorted my youngest son and I to the basement of the church because he was too loud. We’ve been told at another church that we had visited to leave out while the congregation prays so that they will not be interrupted. The church that we attend now, A few of the congregation looks at us like we should not even be there. I stop going, and it is so hurtful because I want my children to believe that all people are not judgemental. In church of all places shouldn’t judge anyone. I am not putting down my Church but It is so painful that people do not understand about Our Children,or Our Family or Friends that have Autism or other disabilites. I know that we are suppose to turn the other cheek, but sometimes you want to hit those that stare and have negative comments in their cheek.
    Some People are so insensitive to other people feelings. I pray about my sons condition every day and about others who have to go through what ever they are going through. I pray that he will one day be able to speak and say A full sentence. I pray that no one will hurt him or abuse him,I pray for him to eat with a spoon or a fork, I pray for him to eat because he does not eat food like he should.
    I pray for the inhuman treatment that some people say or do towards our loved ones. I pray for those people that do not know what Autism, M R, ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome,Disabiliy,and Special need is. Those people need to educate themselves.
    I Thank you Kerry for allowing yourself to express how you feel and also allowing us parents,family members,siblings, and friends to express how we feel.
    Children or adults with special needs are More Loving and compassionate people that I have ever seen in my life. My son hugs,kisses, laughs,gets upset when he see someone cry in person or on television, wants his group hugs every day and will even touch a stranger on their hand that he doesn’t even know. I would rather be in A World full of their sencerity and devotion, then with People that are Ignorant and Hateful.
    He was also diagnosed at an early age with borderline deafness, tosus of the eye, and he has walked on his tippy toes for the past 5 years. I’m A single mother raising two little children, and allowing them to know that We have to Love one another and respect each other especially people that you meet. I have to continuously explain to people the condition of what my son is going through. When we go to the Mall, to A resturant, to the movies, on the bus, in any type of puplic facility.
    My son is looked at and eyes are all on us, I just take the attention like we are SUPER STARS and we are the center of attention. We are so important that people have to look at us and Just wish that they were us. I have learned over the years to just roll with the punches, and to ignore negetive,ignorant, insensitive, and idiotic people. I just Say to them now: God Bless You, and you too shall be Judge and not by Me.

  30. Kathleen Bevan
    April 26, 2011 at 1:06 am

    I used to get a little upset when our son was younger and comments were made but I realized after awhile that we all have challenges. It wasn’t only our son. Some people are rude some are just uneducated about disabilities and others may be just having a bad day. Sometimes we have to remember that if we want understanding from people it may take awhile and maybe we need to extend them the benefit of the doubt that they may learn social skills too.

  31. Noreen
    April 26, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Consider Yourself Lucky too! My son is still working on Words. He usually gets them backwards and it’s hard to understand him. I hope my child get to the functioning level you are at. Be THANKFUL every day and know it took a lot of extra work (I have typical kids too) and know that you’ve been supported along the way. Forgiveness is so important in life. If you forgive, it disappears. Give it up to God and remember that you are a better person for that. Life is more about learning to live in harmony together. The other person STILL has a lot to Learn :o) (Hugs)

  32. Sarah
    April 26, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Kerry – I so look forward to your posts. First of all – I try to tell my son (8 years old), to try not to take it personally and it may not always in fact be a negative comment. That he has to understand that he doesn’t always have the best “theory of mind” or understanding someone else’s point of view.

    The first scenario – where the drunken, upset student who was clearly angry with you/something you said/or the situation. You are not to blame, but you have ASD, that (likely) means that you may have difficulties understanding someone’s point of view. Maybe, he was frustrated with your ability to understand his points. That does not excuse his insensitive comment, but maybe you can try to forgive him. People when they are drunk say all sorts of insensitive/inappropriate things to others that they would never say when sober. Also, when people are drunk they also themselves have difficulty understanding someone else’s point of view – and drunken people become obsessed with their point and simply cannot listen. I went to a ridiculous fraternity/sorority school and basically spent Thursday-Saturday drunk. I have one girlfriend from my sorority who stopped drinking right after college as she so didn’t like her behavior when drunk (argumentative, belligerent, etc.). Was she an alcoholic (she did not drink every day) – I don’t know what the definition is, but she clearly would drink too much when she did and was really a terrible person and I (and everyone) would get very angry with her. Maybe, your friend is like her???

    I wasn’t there and have no idea what happened, but truly try to forgive your friend. No one is perfect. Also, if you do not try to forgive him – you will put all your mutual friends in a difficult situation (and you DO NOT want to put people in the situation of choosing you or choosing your other friend).

    I would suggest even speaking to your friend and telling him how that his comment hurt your feelings, that you do not always understand someone else’s point of view and basically, to cut you a break (and you’ll cut him a break in return).

    Scenario number two – I have to say this Kerry, but I do understand the humor in this friend’s statement. You are likely so high functioning that it is difficult for your friends to always understand your difficulties. They are likely somewhat jealous that you have DSS (and more time than they have to complete your tests/turn in your assignments). My goodness Kerry, you have friends: friends that think you are as NT as they are and feel that they can joke around with you. This is beautiful Kerry. I’m actually smiling and teary here.

    The humor that your friend exhibited is VERY common – this is how college students communicate. They find something that they admire about someone (or are even jealous of) and joke you about it. Imagine the campus gorgeous, intelligent athlete (let’s call him Joe), who all the girls adore. His friends would certainly joke him about this. I can imagine a very similar statement in a similar scenario if Joe called shotgun: “Sure, Joe gets everything gilded in gold.”

    So, again – please forgive and I wouldn’t even bother explaining how this hurt your feelings – Again, I wasn’t there but I suspect, it truly was a joke and was kindly/jokingly meant. It is called the Tall Poppy Syndrome in Australia – they will always try to knock someone down a notch with humor. If you approach this student (scenario 2), he will likely feel that you are too sensitive. If you do approach this student – I would explain that YOU have a hard time understanding humor and again to cut you a break if you react negatively.

    I adore you Kerry and cannot wait for your book. :)

  33. April 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    I feel so blessed. We live in a very small and remote community in Alaska. The support and encouragement for my 9 year old is no less than awesome! Maybe it is because everyone or most everyone has known Colt since he was in diapers and not much longer after that … whenever he would be over stimulated or challenged and started flapping his arms or wanting to run and hide … he would tell us that it was because of his Autism.

    My biggest challenge is not Colt’s acceptance in this community, but me being accused of SPAM when I share my son’s miraculous journey and a simple nutritional supplement that, in the course of the last 4 four months, has opened up not only Colt’s world, but that of this family. We have found at least one piece of this puzzle …

    For those of you open to reading my son’s journey please feel free to e-mail me at stephsstuff@hotmail.com

    God Bless.

    Stephanie

  34. concerned parent
    April 26, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Kerry, I think the biggest question in both of these scenarios is – are these people really your friends? (The drunk and the peer in the car.) In my opinion, they are not. This is something that’s very tough for people on the spectrum to discern – who is a real friend and who is patronizing or pretending to be a friend but is not sincere? A real friend would never say – drunk or sober – “shut up, you’re autistic.” Same with the DSS comment from the other student. On the other hand, the 13-year-old who said “you’re not autistic, you can talk,” I think is a case of ignorance about autism and not an intentionally mean comment as the other two comments are.

    My son has had trouble with peers who act like friends and then later reveal themselves not to be, and at times, it can be very, very hard for him to know the differnce. I’m sure you have true, genuine, real friends. But in my opinion, these two are not. Anyone who would make these kinds of remarks is cruel. At college age, they should know better. Way better.

    You could simply ignore them when you see them again, or let them know exactly how you feel about what they said. But I wouldn’t pretend everything is okay, because it’s not. IMO, it’s best to speak up – if not at the time it happened – then later.

  35. Glenn Larkin
    April 26, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Kerry, Most disappointed in your friend’s misplaced label (autistic). Unless you choose to forgive him for his drunken state….my recommendation would be to write him a note indicating your hurt and displeasure. Way out of place! However, I’m most proud of my Grandson (4 Yrs.)who has autism and would everyday realize that autism doesn’t change my love and attention for him. We’re still all people in this world. Best of luck! Glenn Larkin

  36. Katrena Lee
    April 27, 2011 at 3:22 am

    I don’t know what to tell you about your two friends as I haven’t really ever encountered rude comments by my son’s friends. As far as I know he doesn’t HAVE any friends. He’s 8 and nonverbal and we live in a very snobby neighborhood in my parent’s house in order to have their help. He probably has friends at school and most of the kids are nice to him as far as I can tell but I have to wonder how long it will be before it does happen as I am starting to notice him mimicking behaviors of the other kids at the bus stop…shuffling feet…kicking rocks turning in circles like they do out of boredom…..I’m sure one day someone will notice.
    Probably the most hurtful thing to me is when DOCTORS are ignorant and refuse to acknowledge it. I had an ER doctor that was taking care of my son and KNEW he was autistic tell me one night that “he just doesn’t WANT to talk” What kind of nonsense is that for a doctor to spout….had Mikey not been so sick (though this doc never gave us a diagnosis because he couldn’t see past his prejudices and ignorance) I probably would have sought out a supervisor or big wig in the hospital. As it was after four hours just to be told nothing other than that “little gem” I just wanted to take my baby home and cuddle him better.

  37. April 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    I’d have wanted to say, “Shut up! You’re drunk!”, unless the guy were the violent type.

    Meanest I’ve heard is, “Are you ashamed you reproduced?”, “Do you think it was right you brought children into the world, with the risks?”, and the like. People truly do not (or at least, they act like they truly do not) see the offense in such questions unless blatantly pointed to their offenses!

  38. April 27, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    And as for ignorant comments that are more annoyances than things that offend me, I dislike how people assume I can’t understand what so-called “low functioning” people feel. Autism is not divisible like that. All people on the spectrum have all sorts of fluctuating challenges. I understand the people I’m told I cannot understand often more than I understand those who tell me I cannot understand, and certainly more than the ignorant can understand them.

  39. Ricky
    April 28, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    I think that you are a strong person and I do not even know you. Some people are just ignorant; literally. The idea of someone demoting your status as a person just because of your disability shows how immature and close minded some people can be. I myself am 22 years old, and suffer from a legit disability ADD in which I utilize the DSS services at my university as well. Continue to do want you are doing and thrive on your past experiences to make you that much of a better person. You will prosper with or without those people in your life so do just that!

  40. Aynice
    April 29, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    When im out with my 14 year old austic son I always say to myself he is expressing himself openly in which we wish we had the courage to do ourselves. That always bring a smile to my face and others see the warmth.

  41. Helen Flatau
    April 29, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    My grandson is an intelligent, mostly non-verbal 9 year old. Recently at the grocery, Costco, my daughter allowed him to wander into the books section. He was making odd noises and a woman near my daughter said, “Look at that strange boy! He is soooo odd.” And they began laughing among themselves at him

    Heather went to the mother, and asked, “Do you have any children?” When she said yes, the replay was, “Be glad none of your children has autism, and thank God every day that people aren’t laughing at them!” The woman fled the store without her basket, hopefully adequately humiliated.
    Heather still dissolved in tears telling about it, but I posted it on my Facebook and many people congratulated her for making a positive step towards a very negative situation. K, my grandson, was never aware of them.

  42. tara
    May 1, 2011 at 9:13 am

    I was recently out with my 4 year old twins, one of whom is autistic. She started to throw a fit because she wanted something that she couldn’t have. So I just tried to ignore it as much as I could, and then she went to the floor. A woman walked by and made a statement that I should pick her up off the floor already. I, as calmly as I could, said to her, “thank you, Dr, I didn’t quite catch your name and I’d definitely look into purchasing your newest raising a child with autism book next time I was at the book store.”
    Sometimes I feel like it is all of the other people, not my child, that makes outings so frustrating.

  43. Barbara
    May 9, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    I don’t know how close of a friend you are to this person but I don’t think he meant it in a bad way. I think he was just drunk and being stupid just thinking that you wouldn’t be able to understand his problems. I have never really had anyone say anything to me except one little boy. He said what is wrong with that boy. He is weird. I just stood there and wanted to cry. we were at a birthday party for one of his friend. I was totally shocked but he was just a kid and i should just let it go. I was in line one day at walmart and there was a mother of a child that had behavioral problems. When the lady was checking out I heard the lady behind me making comments and was was really upset. I just turned around and said that she has no idea what is going on with this family and it is just best to not judge her. OOOhh and also there is one boy 2 years older then my son and my son loves this boy…..the boy told other neighbors that he was just using my son for all the cool toys he had. (Playstation 3, x-box, dirt bikes, pool, trampoline and a go kart) I have a lot of anger for this boy because i know my son will still play with him if he comes over. he only comes over to use my sons stuff.

  44. Suzette Lazaredes
    November 29, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Rene O’Brien-Peloquin – Yep i would have punched her into the next world!!! i am soooo sick and tired of rotten mongrel peoples big mouths, as if our lives aren’t hard enough as it is!!!

    I have a 21 year old severely Autistic young man, non verbal. I have had so many cruel things said over the years, which has left me in a tail spin and gobsmacked at peoples mouths. But i don’t take it, i usually give it straight back, i will not allow people to make those remarks to me. I’ve been told; i deserve the have an Autistic child as i am greedy and want more brownie points in heaven????, then you get told; you chose your life before you came down here so suck it up – WTF. I am sooo sick and tired of people and there bloody big mouths, my God!!!

    I’ve complained to friends about what others have said, they cannot believe people could be so cruel. So i’m glad to have read all of your comments, cause it’s true, there are some people do say cruel things, stuffed if i know, how they get away with it though!!! I have heaps of stories and could go on and on.

    No these people have to put in there place!!! they cannot be allowed to get away with it and don’t let them!!!

    I say bring on KARMA to those who are cruel!!!! You will all get yours eventually!!!!
    Suzette.

  45. Suzette Lazaredes
    November 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Heheh by the way i probably wouldn’t have smacked her at all but arrggh i would have felt like it. I’m not an aggressive person but those big mouths make me sooooooo angry!!! What are we suppose to feel/how are we suppose to handle those people? It;s funny, if someone says something racial they can be prosecuted (fair enough too). I think its time these big mouths should be prosecuted and shamed.. Mmm, i may look into that because it has to stop!!

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