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In Their Own Words – A Little Secret

June 24, 2010 15 comments

Ethan, I still love you …

Today was a pretty rough day for you, Ethan. It was for me, too.

It was hard for me to pick you up and carry you to the van with the other kids. I know it’s not what you wanted, but I didn’t want you to hurt yourself or someone else during the behavior you started to have.

I know there are times you don’t understand why things happen as they do. You don’t understand yet, because you’re only six! I hope that one day you’ll realize that the choices I have to make are to help you as you grow up.

When I see you scrunch your nose and raise your small fist, I can see you want to communicate with me, but simply aren’t sure how to do it. I try hard to keep you calm and ask what’s upsetting you, but sometimes that doesn’t work either. I hope you know I’m trying my best to be the mom you need. I’m pretty sure you see it, too. Your hugs and kisses tell me so. When I mess up, you even tell me it’s okay, and I can try again! I love when you tell me its okay to mess up, because I’m not perfect either. Sometimes I get frustrated, too, and say or do things I shouldn’t. That’s why I always come back and tell you I’m sorry when I mess up. I know you’re a very forgiving boy and that you’ll still love me too. When you tell me it’s okay, it makes my heart smile, because I see what a great and wonderful boy you’re growing up to be!

In the van, you screamed so many terrible things that you think about yourself. It made me sad to hear it. I wanted to cry when I heard you screaming such horrible things about yourself. It really hurt to hear how upset you were in school, and that you scratched your face so much. I wish I could have been there to talk with you, and make everything okay again.

I guess this is a part of life where you have to try finding new ways to handle a situation you don’t like. I don’t like hearing that you were hurting yourself again. I think you’re so special, Ethan!

You’re so smart, loving, caring, and everyone tells me how much they love you, too. You’re such an amazing little boy, even if you don’t see it yet. I see it, and I believe in you!

You said you hate yourself, even called yourself stupid and dumb. Ethan, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I love you during the good times, and even more during not so good times. I love you even when you call me names, and I still love you when you’re hitting me. I love you when you’re punching and kicking me, and I still love you when you try to bite me. I even love you when you scream that you hate me and then spit all over my face. I love you because God gave you to me. He knew that you were perfect for me before you were ever born. You have taught me to be patient, to listen closely, stay calm, and pray for direction when I can’t do it on my own. You taught me that I am a strong woman who can love more and more each day. You also taught me how to laugh and laugh, even on days I feel sad or grumpy. Your little laugh is contagious, and your eyes glimmer like the sunshine on a calm lake. You taught me not to take things for granted, like a hug, or kiss on the cheek, or our good night routine full of giggles. I want to thank you for teaching me so much Ethan. Without you in my life, I wouldn’t be the mom that Cheyanne, you and Isaac need. You don’t know it yet, but you’re teaching me more than I’m teaching you!

I think you’re one of the most amazing little boys a mother could ever have! I know there are times when you get frustrated and upset. I would too, if I had to deal with the same challenges you face every day. Life is hard enough without all the extra obstacles put in your way. It’s hard for grown ups, and we don’t have as many challenges as you do. You have been doing so great handling all the changes in your life. I know they’re not easy to deal with either. This is another reason you’re such an amazing young boy!

I want you to know a little secret, Ethan – there is nothing in this world that you can do or say to me, that will ever make me love you less. Nothing!

When you’re upset or feel less than great about yourself, I’m still here to hold you in my arms, and tell you just how special you really are. That’s one of the best parts of being a mom! You can tell me all your secrets, and they’ll be safe with me. I won’t ever love you less, but I can PROMISE that I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU MORE!

Ethan, having Asperger Syndrome doesn’t define who you are as a person in this world; no, not at all. It is you that defines who you are as a person. It is you who defines how amazing a person with Asperger Syndrome can be!

You are my son, and I love you more than life!

When others try to make you feel bad about yourself, and there will be some who try, you remind them that you’re a child of God! Remind them that in His eyes and mom’s, you are wonderful! You need to remind yourself of this, too, when you feel upset. The more you remember these things I tell you, the less people will be able to hurt you with mean words.

I can’t wait to see what an amazing man you will become. It makes my heart fill with joy, and my tummy feel like there are butterflies in it! I’m so proud to call you my son, Ethan. I’m so thankful God chose me to be your mom, because no one else could love you as much as me!

“I’ll love you always and forever!” has taken on a whole new meaning in my heart because of you. I am blessed to say, “God gave you to me!” I love you!

This “In Their Own Words” essay was written by Jolene, the mother of a son who has autism.

“In Their Own Words” is a series within the Autism Speaks blog which shares the voices of people who have autism, as well as their loved ones. If you have a story you wish to share about your personal experience with autism, please send it to editors@autismspeaks.org. Autism Speaks reserves the right to edit contributions for space, style and content. Because of the volume of submissions, not all can be published on the site.

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